SuperVision Stories #1

In a supervision space, supervisor and supervised(s) explore elements of coaching.
Let's focus here on the relationship.

The supervision space is like a sounding board of the supervised-coachee relationship. Indeed, the relational modalities experienced by the coach and his client are also invited into the supervised-supervisor relationship. These parallel signals are extremely interesting for working in supervision.

One way to see the relationship is to consider what connects to each other, with respective roles that tell facets of the relationship, such as managers-collaborators, customers-suppliers, coach-coachee, supervised-supervisor…
Another listening is to perceive the particular music of this connection, with its level of harmony or disharmony, its silences, its nuances, its variations in intensity…
These signals are valuable in a supervision session. They can be a subject of work to deepen the development of the coach.

An example of a supervisory topic is how the coach positions himself in relation to his client, especially when the client is seeking advice. This can create dissonance for the coach, who has learned that coaching is not advice, and tries to "embody the spirit of coaching" (competence 2 of the ICF reference). How then to accompany the customer from his initial request to more autonomy, by finding the answers by himself, by "facilitating the growth of the customer" (competence 8), while maintaining the "climate of trust and security" (competence 4)?

Les 8 compétences des Coachs dans el référentiel ICF

Compétences du référentiel ICF

The current relational challenges of #managers #RH

How to create or recreate human resources in teams, to cope with the current pressure and challenges?

We are living in a period where the usual challenges of the company are multiplied tenfold: an unstable environment that amplifies the conflict between urgency and importance, the urgency phagocyzing the time of elaboration of the important. 

Within the urgent: the daily management of the company's employees with major impacts on health and individual and collective operations. 
Within the important: the medium- and short-term management of the company, with a game of frequently reshuffled cards, external influences and realities that arise at any time and sweep away habits and forecasts.

This situation, of an amplified and unprecedented complexity, invites us to find other resources, in order to preserve an "ecological" functioning, both for the individual and for the company.

What if the current situation, which we do not master and which is rich in uncertainties, was an opportunity to develop new relational skills?
How to find or find foundation points of teams, how to develop your agility skills, boost your ability to switch mentally, to take heights to face complexity?

Coaching is an individual or collective space, in which to develop new strategies, relying on human resources, to question, co-create, discover new resources, dare otherwise.

Topics that resonate particularly today:

  • How to keep the commitment of employees, with alternations of remote and face-to-face work?
  • How to create relational proximity, human connection, even at physical distance?
  • How to recruit profiles adapted today, who will also be able to adapt to tomorrow, while being vigilant on the risks of hyper-investment, vectors of burnout?
Photo credit: A Grisard

Examples of team coaching

  • a team of 7 managers, in conflict, with a person who wants to leave the team so the situation is unbearable to him. The project in which this team is engaged extends over a year and a half. It must therefore find a solution.The result of a 2-hour coaching session: to find individually and together appeasement, to be recognized in this relational difficulty, to co-build a way to work together again with a new dynamic that allows to bypass the points of disagreement, rather than focusing on it and not seeing anything else.
  • a team of 5 managers, who want to find ways to maintain individual and collective commitment, in common projects, even remotely.Results of a 2-hour session: to say authentically what nourishes the relationship, fill the "emotional bank account", find concrete individual and collective action plans on commitment to the team, with remote working modalities. 
  • a team of 8 people, based in two countries, under great pressure due to the growth of the company. Verbatim at the end of a course of 4 team coaching sessions "it was very useful to get to know all the colleagues, to integrate the new ones, for the trust in the collaboration, thank you for taking this time together, it was my first coaching and it allowed me to think about many things, to put myself into action, to develop long-lasting effects".

Coaching allows, in the medium term, to avoid costs related to relational dysfunctions. A quick estimate can be made by calculating the time consumed per day to solve relationship problems, multiplied by the hourly cost of the people concerned. This gives an order of magnitude of the cost to the company. 
Not to mention the inestimable cost of a scratched relationship, or that of a director or manager or expert who leaves the company because he is not heard or recognized or has the means of his mission.

Coaching of leaders and managers – coaching of meaning or performance?

Professional coaching is known as a process that achieves #results. It provides #means, which support the improvement of #performance, especially in a relational space of security, with the neutral look and the open questioning of the coach.

What if, in our world of increasing complexity and uncertainty, you switched to coaching #sens?
In a coaching space, you give yourself time to think, overcome pitfalls, elaborate, see things differently, imagine new resolution strategies.

What about the meaning you want to give to your action?Your particular signature as a #manager, #dirigeant, team?

Examples of coaching results for directors and managers:

  • in taking up the position, imagine and give oneself the means to manage both the immediacy of taking information on the files, to get to know the managed team and the transversal stakeholders and also the need to develop the strategy and to steer the action
  • in a well-known and comfortable position, dare to respond to a call to take a higher hierarchical position, clarifying one's resources, desires and needs
  • develop leadership, through a better knowledge of oneself, the drivers and brakes of his team, mechanisms generating conflict and resolution strategies
  • prepare for retirement, after a committed, rich and nourishing professional life… imagine the meaningful sequel

From performance coaching to meaning coaching

This article explores the links between different models of human decoding, and offers an innovative vision of the coaching relationship.

The evolution of the demand for coaching is connected to the development of the person, especially in connection with the development of the adult. Thus, coaching acts as an upgrade of the software for exploiting the individual's way of thinking and decision-making and taking action, which makes it possible to have a vision to manage increasingly vast areas of complexity. 

Photo credit: A Grisard – Escher Museum The Hague

Stages of adult development

The first stage is the expert stage (13% of the adult population).

The person at this stage is looking for individual solutions to the problems they are facing. This is the typical stage of a person leaving higher education, who, for example, seeks to better manage his professional overload, to find a better personal balance between the different parts of his life. 

The second stage is the fulfillment stage (53% of the adult population).

The person integrates collective solutions. Its action is oriented towards collective strategic solutions, underpinned by logical reflection, it delegates, decenters, thinks of the collective as a third entity in its own right. An example of the transition from the expert stage to the fulfillment stage is that of a manager who, under increasing responsibilities, seeks solutions to better manage and manage all of his responsibilities, both professional and personal, by integrating the other parts of his relational systems.

The third stage is the pluralistic stage (26% of the adult population).

The person integrates subjectivity, his own grey areas, and has access to complexity beyond cause-and-effect relationships. For example a person who is able to work in introspection with subtle signals such as emotions, relationship energy, spaces of non-knowledge.

The fourth stage is the strategic stage (7% of the population).

The person integrates individual and systemic transformation, ethics takes precedence over results, he is aware of the emotional fields in systems, constantly evolving, in interconnections. And it integrates them. In addition, it creates its own reference system, combining different sources and experiences.

Adult development and coaching

How do these stages of development translate into a relationship, including a coaching relationship?

During the child's developmental stages, the relationship is impacted by primary attachment behavior (John Bowlby's theory). Later, in adulthood, relationships are therefore impregnated, especially the coaching relationship, in which the client has expectations of the coach.
The attachment relationship, if it went well in the first relationships of the individual, is a source of joy and security, if it has been threatened, a source of anxiety and anger, if it has been broken, a source of sorrow and depression
We find here respectively the instinctive governances of the state of calm, flight of struggle, then inhibition.

If the modalities of coaching are different from those of therapy, they are both tinged with attachment behaviors, since they are inherent in the relationship. Being aware of it and taking it into account is therefore essential.

Brain governance in the relationship

In the relationship, the emotional governances of each individual, whose function is to manage social relations, are in resonance, they mutually agree with the emotional states of the other, as in a dance where the step of one leads and influences that of the other, or as in the expression "to be on the same wavelength".

The development of emotional governance is influenced by attachment relationships, and then continues to evolve into adulthood. As for example in the expression of values or stereotypes.

It can therefore be a source of cognitive and behavioural change throughout life.

Relational interaction

Gestalt and social constructivism indicate that reality is created by interaction.

In a relationship – especially coaching – meaning is created in and through the relationship, subjectively, as well as in and through reciprocal influence.
It is by letting go of predictability and control – performance coaching – that something really new can emerge – meaning coaching.
This is a situation that becomes accessible when the coachee begins to visit the Accomplishedseur stadium. And that the coach works in the later stages Pluralist and Strategist, where he is able to deal with his gray areas and creative opportunities of confrontations or conflicts.
It is also a risk-taking that requires courage and the acceptance of non-mastery, since by definition, what emerges is unknown. 

The ability of the coach to explain the dynamics of the relationship and take this risk are essential in the process of co-creation in the interactions of the here and now. Like for example to admit not knowing, to be vulnerable, to be wrong…From communication – in the broad sense: words, gestures, energy … – emerge answers, which create the relationship in a spiral way, with the unconscious elements. It is from this emergence that authentic learning and changes are born for the coachee.

In collective

In an organization or system, we create and at the same time we are created by relationships. The combination of individual values and aprioris – emotional governance – relationships and communications – words, gestures, writings – co-create the rules and culture of the organization.
We are in the relational system, in constant interaction. By being both an actor of this system and acted by it. So interdependent. 

Systems that function in a healthy way have rules, which promote harmony between individual desires and needs and those of the system. Corporate culture can be mentioned as a manifestation of this.

With a fundamental thing which is that, from the system, and from complex situations that can be perceived as conflictual or chaotic, emerges what the system needs.

Upgrade – Building you capacity for complexity – Richard Boston, Karen EllisBill

CritchleySocognitive and Behavioral Approach – Jacques
FradinOrganizational Relationship Systems Coaching – CRR Global

7 principles for successful relationships

How do you know what makes a relationship work, that it is constructive, fruitful, fruitful, in the long term?

Love Lab

John M Gottman's "Love Lab" has revealed its secrets, after hosting volunteer couples for 16 years. Couples are immersed in this somewhat special laboratory, where they are invited for a weekend. Researchers observe them through a glass without complexion and couples are monitored on some physiological parameters (heartbeat, blood pressure …).

The conclusions of this study are quite transposable into other types of relationships, such as friendship relationships, parenthood, or professional relationships.

When we talk about soft skills, the skills acquired in one context are transferable to others (personal, intimate, professional life).Only the issues and durations in which relationships take place differ.

In couple relationships, the stakes are particularly high, with today a divorce or separation rate of 67%.

Studies from the Love Lab have made it possible to predict the advent of a divorce with an accuracy rate of 91%, after 5 minutes of observation.


Or on the contrary great, because these seven principles make it possible to become active on what makes a couple work?

The emotional intelligence of the couple is a key factor, which changes the game. It signs its ability to counterbalance negative feelings with positive feelings.

Faced with the rate of separations observed today, how to overcome what is not inevitable? How to avoid the deleterious effects related to the physical and psychological stress caused by a separation or a dysfunctional couple? And gain longevity: 4 years more life for people who live in a satisfying couple!

At the birth of the first child, 67% of couples experience a dizzying drop in their marital satisfaction rate.

When couple therapies focus on what doesn't work and try to improve it, this study reveals what works.

Divorce prediction indices

  1. A brutal start: a negative, accusatory, sarcastic or contemptuous tone from the outset.
  2. The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse
    • Criticism, blame (criticism is a generalized grievance instead of remaining specific)
    • Contempt, sarcasm, mockery, condescension, cynicism, signs of disgust (verbal and non-verbal cues like eyes going up to heaven or sneers)
    • Defensive attitude
    • Evasion, mutism, (which affects 85% of men in couples)
  3. Drowning, which, under the repeated assault of the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse, leads to the emotional disinvestment of the relationship.
  4. Body language: the manifestations of stress (heart panic, cold sweats, adrenaline secretion, increased blood pressure, etc.). The evolution of the species has led men to a slow resorption of stress (hence an increased occurrence of avoidance of situations via evasion) and women to return to calm more quickly. In addition, under the influence of stress, attention drops and we no longer have any creativity or taking a step back to resolve the conflict.
  5. The failure of attempts at rapprochement: attempts at rapprochement are everything that will allow you to take a step back, such as a pause, the sentence that defuses the conflict, a sign of complicity, humor …
  6. Bad memories: the past is reread with dark glasses and even past happy moments become dark or are swept away.

It is often when it is in a permanent red phase that a couple asks for help. Which may be a little too late…

Signs of the beginning of the end of the couple's life:

  • marital problems are considered serious
  • one has the impression that it is useless to discuss it outside the couple
  • we lead parallel lives
  • loneliness sets in

Extramarital affairs are usually a manifestation of the end of the couple and not the cause.

The 7 principles of working couples

Law n°1: Enriching your tender card

Each member of the couple knows the inner universe of the other, his joys, his tastes and his worries. The information is updated daily, and with moments of regular privileged exchanges. This card of the tender makes it possible to adapt to the birth of a child, which constitutes a major upheaval of the system, a real metamorphosis. This card of the tender is used to build and enrich the relationship, permanently.

Law n°2: Cultivate tenderness and mutual esteem

Each member of the couple is convinced that the other deserves to be honored and respected. It is the antidote to contempt, the ability to remember the qualities of the other, to bring him positive thoughts. It protects the couple from the 4 riders. When it weakens or has disappeared, it can be re-educated through behavioral exercises.

Law n°3: Turn to each other, instead of turning away from each other

Establish the connection, by the look, by the welcome made to the offer of the other, the small gestures on a daily basis, the discussions with broken sticks, the romanticism, the mutual aid, the supportive presence (really listen, without giving advice), the taking into account of the emotional needs of the other.

Law n°4: Let yourself be influenced by your partner

It is accepting to take into account the different point of view of the other, and to let oneself be influenced by it, it is to respect the other and integrate him into the decision-making process. It is accepting a balanced sharing of power, agreeing to give in to win, authentically taking into account the values of the other, finding a work-life balance for each member of the couple. This benefits each member of the couple and also children whose both parents are emotionally intelligent.
There are asymmetries here: it is often easier for a woman to be infuenced by her husband than the other way around. Moreover, when a woman uses one of the four riders, the couple is little destabilized. While when a man uses one of the riders, the impact is strong and destabilizes the couple.
When a man agrees to be influenced, it reinforces Laws 1, 2 and 3.
Finally, women are often more emotionally intelligent than men, as society encourages them from childhood to develop social interaction and feelings, so they are often one step ahead.

Law n°5: Solving solvable problems

Marital conflicts can be divided into two categories: permanent conflicts and soluble conflicts. The distinction is made in particular by the intensity of the emotions they generate. Solvable conflicts relate to specific situations, which can find a compromise solution.
Permanent conflicts concern deeper points, such as conflicts of value, trust, security.To resolve a conflict in the long term, it is necessary to know how to forgive, to draw a line under old resentments, to consider the defects of the other with indulgence.

To solve a solvable problem:

  1. start the discussion smoothly. It is mainly the woman who addresses the delicate subjects. If she knows that her influence is accepted, then she will tend to start smoothly. If this startup mode is not possible, then you might as well postpone the discussion to a more convenient time. Talk about the facts, about what is wrong, using the "I" and without judgment towards the other, being factual, clear, courteous.
  2. make attempts at rapprochement and accept them from the other. Recognize what is true, its share, its wrongs. Getting the message across. Talk about your feelings. Say what works. Metacommunicate. Place the discussion at the level of the couple, not the individuals.
  3. soothe each other. Practice individual and then relational stress management. Make the couple a haven of peace, do not let external stress sabotage the relationship (the common sources of stress are those from work, the in-laws, money management, sexuality, domestic tasks, parenthood …)
  4. learn to compromise. Find common ground, negotiate a win-win solution.
  5. be tolerant of the other's defects

Law n°6: Overcoming blockages

Blockages, on the other hand, occur on deeper points, which can refer to childhood wounds. The objective is twofold: to get to deal with it and to maintain the dialogue.One of the goals – often unconscious – of the couple is to help each other realize their dreams, to achieve what makes sense individually. Only sometimes dreams are hidden, and require a work of awareness and individual explanation and then at the level of the couple. Then a partial compromise zone can be found, and the non-negotiable hard core explained.

Law n°7: Going in the same direction

The couple is sustainable and fulfilling, when it is based on a shared meaning, the creation of an inner life, a common culture. The common culture is nourished by family rituals, harmony on the roles of each, the sharing of deep individual goals, shared symbols.
The couple is like a garden, it requires daily care, to grow and beautify.

In a very concrete way, here are the five magical hours that participate:

  • separations: separate in the morning with knowledge of at least one event of the day of the other (2min/d *5 days: 10 min/week)
  • reunion: talk serenely at the end of each working day (20 min*5d: 1h40/week)
  • manifestations of affection: through physical contact and forgiveness of minor irritations before falling asleep (5min/d*7d: 35 min/week)
  • the weekly appointment: a shared moment, of quality, to update the map of the tender and turn to each other (2 hours / week)

Once a week, ask yourself the questions of marital clean-up, and talk about it but not before sleeping! These questions investigate the individual state and the state of the relationship (interactions, emotions, feelings).

Finally, be forgiving of yourselves, abandoning self-criticism and judgment, and accepting yourself with your qualities and flaws, practicing gratitude.

In the light of this article:

  • in what context -pro/personal- do you have resonances?
  • what are you already doing?
  • what more could you do?
  • what are you going to stop doing?
  • How will you implement what you have discovered again?

Sources: John M Gottman & Nan Silver: The seven principles for making a marriage work, a practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expertCarlo Trippi, Imago Therapy: A New Approach to the Couple's Adventure

Valentine's Day at #metoo time

Seduction, a well-oiled mechanic?

At the beginning of sexual life, we know each other badly and we are dependent on social expectations or we are rebellious, which is just the opposite, that is to say that we are not really freely ourselves, but just guided by extrinsic motivations. In addition, we are ticking off a kind of unconscious checklist, but valued socially: studying, having a good job, finding a partner, all this for… reproduce. 
Sorry for the immediate and merciless destruction of the glamorous side of dating 😉 !!!

To compensate, here is this photo that I found particularly attractive…

Now, what are the personality traits that stabilize, or on the contrary explode the couple? And what happens to quarantine, a particular zone, also called a mid-life crisis, a pivotal period, during which the person accesses in a more authentic and finer way who he is, intrinsically?

Without glamour again, the primary goal of any living being is to keep itself alive, in the best possible condition. This is how strategies are put in place for the selection of genetic heritage, privileged behavior in terms of lifestyle, socio-cultural environment, food, energy saving, reaction to a predator, to preserve its bodily integrity. We talk about homeostasis, all the processes that allow the individual to be as close as possible to an ecological behavior: live as well as possible, consuming the least energy.

However, sexual behavior is a considerable risk-taking and a large consumption of energy: the sexual parade is visible and noisy, the opposite of strategic discretion to preserve maximum bodily integrity. It is therefore an aberration: a waste of energy coupled with risk-taking! Its sole objective is fertility. Physiological mechanisms are then put in place to deceive the individual and bring him to this risk-taking. These include the reward and punishment mechanism, which is anti-Homeostasis. In humans, it is diverted to the search for pleasure, especially sexual pleasure, disconnected from the goal of fertility.

In the animal kingdom, some males offer food to immobilize the female during the sexual act. Anti glamour, 3rd! On the human side, the first meeting is often over a drink or a meal.

Human seduction behaviors are elaborate and elegant… Or not! These behaviors include dancing, colors, singing, perfume… They are partly innate, partly learned. Learned behaviors evolve faster than those that are innate and adapt, which allows a diversification of the species. They also rely on mirror neurons, which make it possible to anticipate the movements of the partner and synchronize. This then gives the dance of seduction, synchronous and coordinated. Kiff insured!!! Ecological, without toxic substances, repeatable. Better than dope…

These learnings are done during childhood and more particularly in adolescence, for all that concerns the codes of love rites, which are also, partly cultural, as evidenced recently by the positions relating to #metoo and #balancetonporc. Then emerges the dominant male, in the competition to get the best females. He can thus switch from seduction to flattery to keep control of the environment – the coveted females in this case – while being perceived as socially pleasing by the group. And here, active brain governance is different: we move from emotional governance (nourished by values, learning, experiences and emotions) to gregarious governance (nourished by the balance of power).

In humans, the characteristics that distinguish them from other mammals are: otherness, emotions, consciousness, fantasies, the ability to communicate through speech. And this eminently complicates the rites of love.

Researchers have shown that romantic places significantly increase attraction. Why? The level of emotion triggered by the places where the activities are, is perceived as related to the attractiveness of the other. For example, inviting your beautiful to the top floor of the Eiffel Tower where the fear of emptiness can be triggered, will increase the desire. The roller coaster or the motorcycle are also fabulous emotional grounds! It is therefore a bias of confusion of emotional sources. "I feel a big emotion" becomes equal to "I'm attracted". This bias has been proven in different experiments where the dimension of physiological activation – triggered for example by physical activity or an activity generating strong emotions – exacerbates desire and attractiveness. Other filters are, for example, value judgments or aesthetic judgments.

On the men's side, the judgment is very focused on the appearance of women, physical appearance, beauty, health, youth, genetic heritage -estimated since the dawn of time by the ratio width of the waist to hip width, promise of a good reproductive capacity-. A man is therefore instinctively looking for a breeder. The dress codes of seduction, the suggestion of body areas partially revealed by semi-transparent fabrics, the choice of colors – what is THE color of seduction in the West? – echo this cultural construction.

On the women's side, the judgment focuses on the social status of the man through his income, his level of education, his profession, his attachment to children, his height, and his genetic heritage. In short, a woman instinctively seeks a breeder, protector of her offspring.

Well, I warned you that glamour was not necessarily at the rendezvous!

An essential filter in the lasting constitution of a couple is the type of individual attachment, linked to the parental model, which has a strong imprint on the individual. The different types of attachment are: secure, insecure–anxious–ambivalent, insecure–avoidant, fearful.

With a secure attachment, the first sexual intercourse takes place older, the person is more faithful, more satisfied with his sexual relations, more easily in love, judges himself more beautiful. For a woman, the secure attachment of a man is decisive. But insecure-avoidant attachment is more common in men.

The other filters that intervene in the romantic encounter are also subtle signals such as attitudes and behaviors.

We observe that it is the woman who leads the ball, who authorizes or not the relationship. For this, it has different assets: the smile, the look, the position of the head, the head movements, including the manipulations and movements of hair, the unveiling of the neck, and … the conversation!

The assets of seduction of a man are: to be noticed, to occupy the space, to have ample gestures, to look into the eyes, to caress his cheeks, chin, torso or shoulders, as well as to touch his partner. All these signs belong to those of gregarious dominance which reassures the partner about the individual's ability to protect his offspring.

That said, and to avoid caricature, all these elements increase, without any guarantee, the probability of success. The game of love being, fortunately, much more subtle!

So finally, how to seduce?

To seduce is to deceive the brain of the other!It is to create a mistake of attribution: to make a strong emotion take for an attraction and a strong desire. It is flattering, by a strategy of the chameleon: imitate the other, put oneself on the same wavelength, adopt verbal and non-verbal behaviors, gestures, postures, mimics that allow to synchronize. It is to stimulate the emotional system of the other, in particular by the compliment, by a feedback on the pleasure generated.

Researchers have demonstrated the "guitar effect" for men: posing with a guitar increases appeal to women. And this attraction is all the stronger as the instrument is more prestigious, such as a violin, a double bass or an oboe! That said, the effect is not at all symmetrical for a woman, who is not perceived as more attractive to a guitar than without.The voice is also an exceptional medium of seduction. Women love men with a low voice, an outward sign of masculinity, men, on the other hand, love women with a high-pitched voice, an indication of estrogen concentration, therefore fertility. As a coloratur soprano, I can confirm 😉 !!! 

I quote here Iva Barthélémy: "Perfect instrument, organ of seduction, using an infinite range of colors, capable of transmitting the deepest emotions. Mysterious alchemy that gives each of us a unique timbre, nevertheless inherited from all our ancestors. Incredible luxury, living, incomparable, irreplaceable material. The human being is perfectly aware that the voice, because it conveys speech and song, is the richest, the most perfect, the most subtle means of communication. Working on your voice means deciding to perfect the relationship you establish with others. To find one's voice, whether light or ample, low or high, at least like no other, is to discover in oneself living sources, to find one's deep identity, a factor of balance and authenticity that brings self-confidence." Self-confidence being very connected to the ability to seduce, the circle is closed!

Facial features are also very important. Women like men with a wide chin, a sign of masculinity, which develops in adolescence. Men like women with a symmetrical face, and it turns out that at ovulation, the symmetry of the face increases slightly. Finally, men and women love similarities, which is found in the saying: "who looks alike comes together".

And last, but not least, sapiosexuality is the faculty to seduce with its intelligence, its charisma, its instruction, in short, its brain.

And when the seduction is locked?

For some people, seduction abilities are curbed or even behaviorally locked. It is then a question of analyzing the reasons for these obstacles, and of removing them by a cognitive and then behavioral approach, in harmony with the intrinsic dynamics of the person: introvert, extroverted, social or individual… Brief therapies and behavioral coaching are good approaches for this. Some facets of personalities are turned towards intimacy with the other, others less so. We can for example mention the spontaneous pleasure to seduce by the well-being, the lasting friendship, the integration into a team; seduce to create harmony and federate a collective; seduce to go further, stronger; seduce to anchor the pleasure of the present moment captured by the five senses…

In the digital age, what evolutions of Cupid 2.0?

What does online seduction offer, flourishing market and practice, what are the evolutions?

Our society has moved from a family choice of rational alliance to an individual choice based on love -well seen what is written above it questions ;-)-. That said, today, the individual has individual control – even duty – of his or her love destiny.While in the 90s, unions via social networks were almost zero, today, 10 to 20% of people say they have linked via social networks.

That said, the biases of these online dating are important. These biases are the evaluation of the profile by the qualities announced, the evaluation by comparison of different profiles, or the difficulty of making a good decision in a very wide choice. In addition, the difficulties encountered are the following: the pre-selection time which can be considerable, the fact of having too many choices that inhibits the ability to make the right decisions and which, moreover, increases indecision and decreases satisfaction, the circumstances of meetings, the absence of nuance on online profiles. All of this creates a gap, sometimes huge, between expectations and reality.

So how to discern?

Meet IRL! In Real Life.

This discernment involves in particular the fact of promoting the state of mind of commitment, that is to say digging the option, deepening, versus the state of mind of appreciation, that is to say the comparison. It is also necessary to let go of the expectation of perfection, of the ideal profile, of the most desirable person. In addition, a person mostly considered more desirable than the others, has a highly coveted profile, is therefore not very available, which creates frustration on both sides.

Beyond the criteria of measurements, income, social status, it is particularly interesting to dig into the criteria of ability to communicate in writing, to enter into relationship, to have humor, and in a second time, the ability to resolve conflicts, to react to unforeseen events, because this is the breeding ground for a lasting relationship.

Beyond the first online discovery, it is useful to move on to a "real" meeting without too much delay, because the duration of the virtual interaction increases the risk of disappointment. Basically, the more you sext, the greater the disappointment !!!

In a real encounter, the trigger towards intimacy is a clever mix of experience, biochemistry (smells are particularly important, even if it is culturally rather swept under the carpet) and instinct. Finally, don't forget to give yourself time.

In addition, an experiment has shown that evaluating on photos the effectiveness of a CEO is relevant, on the other hand the evaluation on photos of a compatibility for a couple is absolutely not! The algorithms of dating sites full of promise, are therefore still very far from the account!

What to do, for a relationship that lasts?

The major source of separation is the woman's dissatisfaction. It is she who, at 80%, makes the decision of separation. Even in terms of risk-taking, it is for her that the score is the highest, because of the differences in income, and the involvement compared to children if there are any.Another origin of separations and that of the evolution of the couple which becomes dissonant in relation to individual evolutions. We started on an identical track and over time the tracks separate and distance. There, it is the story of the chicken of the egg, we do not know, at the moment, which drives the other. 

To last over time, it is essential first of all to know yourself, to know your attachment style and if necessary, to be accompanied in personal development in particular. Then, focus on your own state of mind – rather than that of the other – develop empathy, take a step back, manage stress, learn to manage complexity. Do not forget to cultivate your individual social life. And, in the interaction with the other, develop his ability to express his emotions and needs, his ability to respect the needs of the other.The assets of two compatible personalities are: the proximity of the two personalities in terms of conscientiousness -that is to say organization, reliability, punctuality-, a close agreeability -that is to say the trust that one has in others-, an openness to novelty -that is to say curiosity in the face of novelty and the unexpected-. The brakes are made up of significant deviations from these parameters of the Big Five. As for example between a person in search of social harmony and another very individualistic. As for introversion and extroversion it is a story of dosage, in short the right cocktail is a subtle dosage of similarities and complementarities.

After this very glamorous article… Let's put things into perspective: there is no deterministic law! Remember that you are endowed with emotional intelligence, and a brain ;-).So it's up to you to play, in subtlety, and happy Valentine's Day!